The Rise of My Semi-Fatalistic View

As far back as I can remember, I recall feel of my eyes rolling as I heard people say, “Things happen for a reason.”  Of course things happen for a reason.  It doesn’t make any sense to say anything otherwise.  Every action causes a reaction, and every action you have taken has led you to the place where you now find yourself.  So, you are the reason.

As I am typing this, I think I am learning the truth my view , as in how it came to be my reality.  They moved me upstairs from the E.R.  I am not sure how many days it had been since my hysterectomy, I only know my fever was over 104 and I had spent the night having chills and vomiting, unable to move.  I am not sure if I was in pain, or if I would have been aware of pain, at that time.  What I do know is my dad came the next morning and he took me to the E.R.

On the way, I called the doctor that was on call that day.  It was not my gynecologist.  It was her colleague.  I told him that I was passing air vaginally, and he said don’t make any stops, just get here.

A lot of what happened next is fuzzy.  I remember the E.R. doctor giving me something for fever and the gynecologist coming in and saying, “This is my patient, and she is going upstairs.”  I said hi, he said, “Did anyone tell you you have cancer?”  I kinda laughed and I said, “I had cervical pre-cancer, and I do not have cancer.”  He said, “You had adenocarcinoma, too.”  I remember arguing and he said he was in the O.R. during my hysterectomy, and I was going upstairs.

I do not remember much after that, until I was sitting in my room and I put my hand down beside me on my bed and I felt it.  Up to my hips was a pool of blood, and I could feel it on my hands.  I grabbed the nurse call button and in came a LVN who looked at me, and she froze.  She did not move.  “Get my nurse,” I remember saying that.

A lot of the next few minutes is a blur.  The nurses came in, I was laid flat.  I wasn’t really thinking anything, I was calm, and I was just laying back.  The doctor started packing me, and I must have said something because I remember him saying to me, “I am so sorry, I know it hurts.”

I am not sure of the exact sequence of events that happened.  What I remember was I was watching my bp drop and my heart rate accelerate.  The doctor said, “Lower her head,” He kept saying he really needed me upside down. I knew they needed to keep blood flow to my brain.  A nurse was on my left side, holding my hand.  She kept telling me that I was going to be alright.  I looked over to other nurses behind her, and I saw one put her mouth up to her mouth and it was wide open.  Then she began to get blurry.  I looked at the doctor on my right side, and I told him he looked pixelated.  There was no other way to describe it.  Then he looked so far away, he asked what I had said.  I replied, “It looks like I am looking at you through a telescope backwards.”  He said, “Close your eyes.”  I remember saying NO.

I remember being very calm, but I also remember the feeling of that NO.  No way was I going to close my eyes.  No way was I going to die right then.

“I NEED THAT BLOOD, NOW,” was what I heard that kind of made me realize exactly what was happening.  The doctor came back into the room, and I remember the nurse saying I was going to be alright.  My response was to the doctor.  I asked him, “Am I going to be alright?  I am going to be alright?”  and I was still calm.  His answered very slowly and quietly, “I…. don’t…. know…”

I can’t say I felt afraid, I don’t know that I did.  I can’t say I felt anything.  I do not recall feeling anything.  I did not see a light.  I did not see anyone who had passed before me.  I really do not believe it was even darkness.  It was nothing.  It was just this indescribable thing that was not really even there.  It was a peace I never had, and it did not even exist.  Unless you have been there, I cannot explain it to you.

I woke up hearing a nurse throwing her phone, I think she was a nurse, and there was my white light, just above my head.  I was on a table in the operating room.  The nurse was saying there was a complaint she should have been there in this number of minutes and she was a few over, and she was upset.  The other nurse was busy.  I said, “Hey,” and I hear this, “Oh my God, she is awake!”  I am guessing they didn’t expect me to be.  They kept talking to me and the doctor came in and I remember being told to count backwards.  My response was, “No, I am…..” and I think I just thought the words “not going to sleep.”

I do not remember waking up.  I do remember three doctors coming into my room to tell me I had a temporary colostomy.  I argued.  No way did I have one, but I had a morphine drip and his name was Andy.  I remember that conversation very well.  I also remember the doctor telling me, “Someone was looking out for you.”

I had had a hysterectomy not long before.  The reason for that was fibroid tumors and endometriosis and cervical pre-cancer.  During surgery, they found a very small adenocarcinoma and I am not sure what caused the nick to my colon, but they nicked it during the hysterectomy.  From that, E-Coli had eaten my insides and cause a fissure between my hysterectomy incision and my intestines.  It was a mess, and I am grateful to be alive.

I kept on hearing about that someone who was looking out for me.  No one greeted me upon my exit, but I had this feeling I cannot describe.  I will never fear death, even though I am not wanting to go.  One day, it will be a welcome and familiar friend.  I have no reason to fear it, that was the most peaceful I ever felt.

The thing is that when you go through something like that, for a little while, you feel like you have a secret.  When I went to bed at night, I felt like I could make that choice every time I closed my eyes for days.  I felt like if I wanted to, I could just slip off into that peace, but I didn’t.  Little things that seem so mundane become so beautiful.  The color green amazed me.  It was like when I was young and got my first pair of glasses and I could see the leaves on trees.  Food was different.  I will never forget the way a chili dog tasted, and the taste of a waffle bowl from Dairy Queen with vanilla ice cream dipped in chocolate and covered in cherries was….  indescribable.  I think I may have cried, and I am not even joking.

The tragedy in this is that life continues to happen.  People, by nature, are cruel and the beauty begins to fade.  Things are again mundane.  I want so badly just to feel that again, without the circumstances.  I did change.  If only for a moment, I did change.  I had that gratitude.

I talk about this a little too much, and I feel like the message is always missed in the details, and it is the details I have forgotten.  I know the series of events that led to the entire ordeal, that I never went to the doctor.  I realize a lot more than I give myself credit for.  The thing I am struggling with is why am I here.  I can tell you I wanted to be, or I wouldn’t.  My life never passed before my eyes, I never thought that deeply into anything but staying calm would save me.  I just want, right now, to feel like there is a reason.  I want that innocence of having faith.  I want the stories I cannot believe.

In all that I forgot, maybe it is possible I forgot the near death experience, that part of my journey.  I am not sure, but right now, I am thinking I want to have at least a semi-fatalistic view and believe this happened so I could write, or tell my story.

My story is crazy.

But my story is real.

And I am here.

And so are you.

So, maybe there is a reason.  I really can no longer doubt there is.  Do you?

This was after the last surgery.