Monthly Archives: July 2015

All My Friends are Online

It was about 12 years ago.  I was on bed rest, pregnant with twin boys.  I did not have a lot of visitors. I was in Hondo, Texas at the time, far away from any familiar faces and removed basically from any ones I had made.  I was bored.

I was not an internet novice, I had the ability to make my way around the web, and I weaved my own little webpage somewhere on Angelfire.  I don’t even remember what it was about or what the name was.

I found a few Yahoo groups that helped the time go by for a couple of days, and staring at the screen of the laptop I loved so much just wasn’t really helping move the time along.

Then, on a random search, I found Care2.  Care2 is supposed to be a community of like-minded individuals with like-minded ideas for like-minded causes.  I signed up, thinking why the hell  not, and I began looking at the causes.

If you had ever been on Care2 in the early 2000’s, you know there were a lot of causes.  It was pretty disorganized.  I started following random people and I think I had like 500 friends I had never met, and I was thinking, this is kind of cool.

It consumed my time.

Joining the groups, I learned very quickly most people on there were very highly opinionated, and I also learned no matter your stance, someone was going to go for your throat.  So, I started watching the people who would just pop up with the most hilarious irrelevant responses and I thought, these are my people.  I went to their pages and friended them, then I joined their groups.

The groups were pretty much silliness.  We had one called Anonymous R Us or something where we would say random things to each other and get the strangest responses and have no idea who was saying it.  I loved that.  But, we also had other groups where we posted typos we made or we put random things people deleted off their threads from their groups.  I enjoyed that, too.

Eventually, though, I found out there were secret groups.  I started getting invited to those and I met some amazing women and men and I can say, 12 years later, they are still my friends.

This may sound a little strange, but my real friends are on the internet.

For a few years, we had our secret group, then one hacker came along and kind of destroyed that sanctity we had.  I got a MySpace page, and the first people I looked up were my Care2 friends.  It was funny, a lot of us made the migration.  We still talked, but it seemed more on Yahoo Messenger in big groups or short messages on that MySpace timeline.

By this time, I already had my twins, and I think I was pregnant with Lizzie.  So, the span is around 3 years.  I kept adding people, and I started looking for my family.  I found a profile for a cousin of mine, and I saw on his wall a picture of my dad posted by a random stranger.  The stranger was a young girl, she lived in Houston, and I had no idea who she was.  So, I asked her.  She told me she was my dad’s younger brother’s daughter.  My cousin.   We started messaging and we started talking about everything, and I felt like I had just found not only family, but a really close friend.  We remain that way.

Then, my best friend of 23 years passed away from cancer.  My daughter was 6 weeks old.  My cousin and my Care2 friends and this girl from my home town that I never met were calling me and sending me messages and they gave me so much love and support when no one else really did.  They were there.   And, in such a sad circumstance, I was there for the stranger when her sister passed.  I will never forget that 5 a.m. text.  Since then, we have met, and I am blessed to have her as a friend.

These friends were there when I started my Facebook account and found all of my relatives I did not know, and all of the ones I was unaware existed.  That was so exciting, in itself.  Finding family on the internet.  I found a cousin I had heard of, but I never met and we are very close friends now.  I also met a few I was curious about and hope to never hear from again, but that is life.

These friends were there when I took my children to be evaluated for autism.  They have called me, written, we have exchanged gifts, we have shared tears and laughter, and all of this with me still unsure if one of them is really a sunflower.  This is over a decade of friendship.

That may be something crazy that you just cannot fathom.  That may make no sense to you, but they have been there without judging me when I got married and through this divorce, listening.  It feels strange to have to feel the need to justify that.

Every social media site I have been a part of, I have met wonderful people through.  This even includes Twitter and YouTube.  YouTube takes you into the lives of people every day, so, yes, Aces Hi and Jennifer Panda and Iamfreetobeme are real people, with real families, and I know I am blessed to know all of them.

If you ask me, though, who has been there for me the past twelve years, it is, without a doubt, my internet friends.  And I don’t think I should have to justify that.


My Sometimes Friend

I am the first to admit I can be a hard friend to have.  I do not return calls.  I don’t like texting.  I talk more to strangers on Twitter than I ever do to you.

The thing is, I never thought I would become the place you go when the good times are over.  I never thought I would be that crutch when life gets you down.  I can search all over when things are going well for you, and I can honestly say, the past five or so years you have been a ghost.

My life fell apart, and I watched you from afar, you had it made.  I gotta say you reached pretty close to where you wanted to be.  I do remember the time I was invited and I said to you that at my age, I would much rather sleep.  I am sorry.  That was shitty.

But, you gotta know, when I came to you and said my life is a mess, I am sick, and you are the only one who knew me; you were the ONLY ONE WHO KNEW ME.  The response of someone looking over your shoulder so you could no longer talk was like a knife.  You had been the closest thing to a best friend besides my best friend.

I understand the dynamics change.  I understand you are not the boy who showed up unannounced, you are a man.  I get that.  Drunken Friday night stories of Corsicana only get me so much leverage.

The thing is, it works two ways.

I rode my shit storm.  On the way, I still said to you, you were my best friend, as close as one can get.  This time, though, I do not think I can ride yours, because in the end, you will be gone again.

I miss my always friend.


About You

Are you waiting for me to blog about you?  Maybe about how your hand fit perfectly in mine and you said you’d never let it go?  About how you said you’d take care of me like no one else ever has, the same promise everyone else makes?  About how I memorized your idioms and how I can, with perfect timing, find a place where you’d fit each one?

How about if I wrote about the plate you named your own, and how it still sits on a shelf where you left it?

Maybe I can write about how I felt alive every time you listened to me, and caged every time you shut me down?  

Maybe I can write about how I’m a real person who knows those 15,000 people are real people, too, and some days every one of them matters, whether or not you get that.

Maybe I can write about all the stress and the fact that I haven’t sent it all back to you is a result of that stress throwing me into another flare.

Maybe I can write about how you shouldn’t have left how you did, but I will be okay.

Maybe I can write about you, maybe then you won’t hate my presence online.

Maybe I can write about my own shattered dreams, and how I always get back up.

Maybe I can write about how love doesn’t stop when you don’t like my opinion, and I still should be safe enough to state it.

Maybe all of this covers it.  If not, I will still be okay, and maybe I learned next time’s lesson a little early.

Maybe we could have made it work, if we ever accepted each other in the first place.

So maybe I’ll let it go, and maybe one day, let the presence of you go, too.

I Should Write

I should write to see if it offends you.

I should write because it offends you.

I should write because when I speak you put your hand over my mouth to silence the words.

I should write because I should feel. I should relay, convey, throw out, and explore what it means to live inside myself and I should take you with me.

I should write for the time when I was a girl and you told me my thoughts were less important.

I should write because because behind the paper you can never say I am not pretty enough or my clothes are all wrong.

I should write because my feelings are just as knotted up and twisted and tangled as they were 20 years ago, and somehow getting it on this page makes it momentarily better.

I should write because when I speak and it is not to you, I somehow find my head crushed beneath your thumb.

I should write because words fail me when I speak and who I speak them to fail to understand.

I should write because somewhere inside me is who I am supposed to be minus the crap life has piled up on me.

I should write because I belong to me and no one else and I am not sure how to more accurately convey that message.

I should write because it makes me feel alive.

I should write for the rush I feel when I get up from a computer, a phone, a napkin, and I know I actually nailed exactly how I feel.

I should write for the disappointment when I am finished and I know I missed it by a long shot.

I should write for all the voices and words and thoughts in my head, rapidly spinning, intertwining into a chaotic masterpiece only I can understand.

I should write to change your mind.

I should write to change my own.

I should write because I never understood you or me or anyone or anything else.

I should write for you to shake your head.

I should write to describe your genus.

I should write to pretend my own.

I should write to remove the veil.

I should write to expose myself.

I should write.



Why Google AdSense?

I get asked a lot why I have ads running on the top and sides of my blog.  There is a simple reason for this, I run ads on my blog because when people click on Google AdSense ads, that is how bloggers get paid.

I have been writing for as long as I could hold a pencil.  I have always found words fail me when I am in a social situation, but my voice never fails me when I write.  It is very seldom I cannot express what I need to say through written words.

Why Google AdSense, though?  I had a YouTube account that had already been monetized through Google AdSense, so I bought a domain name and I got a host and used WordPress to put it all together.

I love that this is mine.  I love that I have a forum where I can say whatever I want to say and my words are mine.  That is they beauty of it.

Anyway, that is why I have ads on my page, it is why there are ads before my videos.

There ya go.

Now, click on an ad.  🙂